This word never comes out of my mouth.
Whenever I hear it the feeling I get is hard to explain, a chunk of it though is embarrassed. Embarrassed for the person who said it, embarrassed for myself as I quickly remember to control my face so as to not let the person see any reaction, just embarrassed that the word exsists in general. I have never appreciated why certain black folks chose to use it, never understood why certain other folks feel they can, or why anyone in general would want to. I do however vividly remember the first time I understood it. I was a baby like 3 or 4 years old and in some relatives living room and apparently cursed appropriately and it made everyone fall out laughing. I don’t remember exactly what I did or which curse word I said cause that is not the part of the memory that sticks out. The part that sticks out is that ever the people pleaser as soon as I realized my audience I went for it again and in an effort to top myself I said the next word I could think of that I knew was bad, and out my baby mouth came that word …and the room fell silent. That was when I knew this word was different. Not to sound overly dramatic but I feel like I understood at that moment the feeling that I still can’t explain. That feeling that sobered the room. The only explanation I can afford for it’s continued use is that I guess it’s like a scab over a once infected wound. Common sense tells you to leave it be, but I guess for some the itch is just too great.
The Altourniquet 